HOT TAKE: Summer House recap – Putting the Jack Back in the Box

On last week’s episode everything seemed to be falling apart. Kyle and Amanda were fighting again, Stephen was upstairs drinking away his feelings, and Danielle told a dude to shoo after he tried to get into a drinking contest with her (Really? I knew a dude in college whose go-to move was to insult a girl he liked. Aggressively. It never worked. Shocker!) And it turns out that Lindsay did not get laid even though I said she got laid because Bravo made me think that she got laid. Dammit. As you can tell there are a few threads that we need to wrap up before we get to next week’s season finale (I’m actually legit sad this show is ending for the season – it feels like it just came on – boo).  Let’s dig in.

Lauren and Lindsay are forcing Stephen to go to Travis’ party so they get him all cleaned up and out the door. They somehow make it look like he has not been drinking and crying for hours and I wonder how they worked this magic. He was an absolute disaster just minutes ago but now he doesn’t have the tell-tale signs of drinking all day. Did Bravo give him an IV off-screen? Is this actually the magic of editing that is tricking me into thinking two different nights are actually one night? HOW DID YOU DO THIS BRAVO? I too need to know how to make myself look like I have not been drinking when I have been drinking. HELP! The party must not have been too crazy or interesting since Bravo relied on self-footage from the peeps that went to the party – sorry Stephen. Bravo only gives you airtime when you are either sad or stirring the pot. Guess we know what to expect from Stephen for the rest of the episode. Nice meeting you, Travis.

Elsewhere in the house Amanda is super upset that Kyle basically told her that he doesn’t want to marry her because she is not fun. Okay, that makes sense given Kyle’s constant need for fun but he may want to sleep on this a bit. The house empties out but Amanda understandably stays behind – she’s in no mood to go out and drink more. Thankfully Kyle makes the right call and hangs back to talk to Amanda and try and fix things. This won’t be easy considering Kyle is stone-face drunk. He catches Amanda in the hot tub, trying to release some stress, and is able to form somewhat coherent sentences describing exactly what is taking place at that moment. “We are dating…” Smdh. Amanda tells Kyle that she doesn’t want to waste her time with someone who doesn’t want to marry her. Whoa! This is one of those key turning points in a relationship. You are going to be serious and pursue something long term (marriage, babies, mortgage, etc.) or you’re going to call it off and go your separate ways. Drunk Kyle, much like sober Kyle, wants to be with Amanda so I am hoping they can work this out in time.

Please stop fighting guys. Please be fun again. 

During the night it seems like everyone has a hookup! How fun! The camera does one of those security cam 4-shots in one shot and we all become voyeurs to all the nocturnal activity with that weird green nature documentary filter that amplifies low-light. Cool!  But let’s be honest, we don’t really care about any of these couples so the camera highlights a room and we dutifully focus there. Which room are we privileged with an all access pass to? Carl and Lindsay (Not house Lindsay, this is new Lindsay that Carl met at a polo match earlier in the summer). And just what are these two lovebirds up to? Turns out not much because Carl ate some bad mussels and is now puking every half hour. Oh shit. That would just about be the worst situation I can envision. I’m sitting there trying to get my schwerve on with some rando and then I up and get food poisoning from bad seafood? Damn, Carl, damn. Lauren has to have a Carl voodoo doll or something.

In the morning, the sun long risen, our characters begin to drag their collective hungover asses out of bed. Everyone seems to be in okay spirits save Kyle and Amanda – their emotional hangover from last night’s fight appears to be trumping their physical ailments for now. The car ride home from Montauk is a long and quiet one. It seems like both Kyle and Amanda have a lot to discuss. Back in the City the two meet up at Kyle’s apartment and start to figure out next steps. Amanda levels with Kyle that she doesn’t feel like Kyle cares about her when he drinks. Oooof. I’ve had this conversation before. Basically you just need to sit there and take it. Acknowledge the points being made and start to understand how you can avoid coming off like a complete asshat when you drink. It’s not easy. To Kyle’s credit he tells her he’s sorry and that it’s not his intention to upset Amanda. Then he follows it up by saying he is just a party guy and Amanda needs to accept that. Double oooof. I’m genuinely shocked when Amanda says she knows that and is cool with that. Huh? She doesn’t mind him getting all silly off the giggle water but he just needs to pace himself better and be able to complete sentences at the end of the night. Is that really asking too much, Kyle?

While Kyle and Amanda patch things up Carl is attempting to do the same with Lindsay – he’s invited her to lunch and margs to apologize for being sick. He’s actually trying to date this chick – is this the same Carl we saw last season? Has his family situation really forced Carl to take a good long look at the path he was headed down and course correct before he turns into his father? Who knows, but Carl being the good guy for once is a nice change of pace. Food poisoning aside Lindsay is still felling Carl and they make plans to hang out again. Could Carl be wifed up by next summer or is he just getting a head start on cuffing season? I actually don’t know at this point.

While we are discussing Lindsay’s we need to talk about regular Lindsay – you know the Lindsay who is looking for love in Montauk in all the wrong places. She asks Everett (NOO!! Stop talking to him please. This whole thing between you two is a trash fire!) to meet her for coffee so they can chat. Has Everett’s flowers and love letters had some latent effect on Lindsay that made her realize she can’t go on without Everett? Not exactly. After Everett arrives she tells him that he needs to stop pursuing her. She’s over it. He smashed things and there’s no putting things back together again. I think this is a needed conversation that the two needed to have a long time ago. This is a conversation we needed them to have a long time ago. Please let this be the end of their relationship Bravo. At least on camera – they can do whatever they want in their actual lives but I don’t need to see any more of it, thanks.

Let’s get back to Montauk, where the action is. Carl let’s everyone know he isn’t having any guests over this weekend and I think people not named Stephen are starting to believe that Carl might be turning over a new leaf. Stephen has the real judgey eyes on and looks incredulous at Carl – honestly, what the fuck Stevie! Dude is trying to do right by everyone and you’ve been nothing but a little shit to him all summer. Stephen knows how to hold a grudge, good lord. Speaking of Stephen, as he’s throwing around daggers with his eyes he LIBERALLY pours himself a vodka. He quite literally empties a handle into a solo cup. This was like a 20-count drink. Remember the Sandra Lee 2 oz. vodka meme? Stephen’s pour is heavier than that. Stephen might want to take a look in the mirror before he goes around judging other’s behaviors – dude is looking to get fucked up fast.

Stephen making a cocktail (God what a great gif)

The house makes dinner and they all try and sit down to have a nice and civil meal but almost immediately things go off the rails because of course they do. Where to begin? Well it turns out that the rest of the group outside of Kyle and Amanda are talking shit about Kyle and Amanda and how they keep fighting and Kyle isn’t as much fun as he used to be. Blah blah blah. Amanda overhears this and is hurt that the people she trusts can talk so much shit about her and her relationship. Kyle tries to address it at the dinner table but it quickly blows up in his face when he says his relationship with Amanda is great without the summer house gang around – ouch. They all take offense to what Kyle just said except Carl, who once again steps up as the bigger person and tries to diffuse things, only to get called out himself. Jesus people – were you like this before Bravo started filming? Kyle wins the argument with the line of the night when he says “Jack in the box – go back in the box.” Classic. Surely there was a good reason for all this commotion right? Nah. The reason everyone was walking shit about Amanda and Kyle was because Kyle is trying to slow down on his drinking and going drink for drink with Amanda – which is not fun and not true to the send-it Kyle they all know and love. And that’s your highlight for night, folks!

Rose' Rehab at Topping Rose
In case you need pointer on what to wear for your next Rose Rehab session

The next day everyone seems to be chilled out a bit because of the day’s activity – Rosè Rehab. What could possibly go wrong with a rosè-fueled party? Surprisingly things actually do go really well considering last night’s arguments. Everyone is playing together well. Amanda and Kyle are off getting rosè wasted, Carl is having fun telling horrible dentistry puns to groups of women (You can’t handle the tooth kind of terrible puns), Stephen and Lauren are gossiping about god-only knows what and Lindsay is flirting with her personal trainer Nick. WHAT A DAY! There’s no way this ends poorly, right? RIGHT? Well…I don’t know for sure but I am going to say that maybe it does? Amanda gets too drunk and needs to lie down – which she does for several hours after getting back to the house. And we all know that the rosè during the day was just party phase 1 for the summer house gang. There’s still plenty of time in the evening to get more blotto. They are all going out for the night to continue party phase 2 but there is not a shot in hell that Amanda is coming back from the dead to rally and go out with them. Kyle should be staying home with her but the party animal inside Kyle is begging for him to go out and keep drinking. This is a bad decision. How do we know this a bad decision? We know this is a bad decision because it’s the end of the episode and Bravo is playing the impending drama music. Uh oh.

Is Kyle really going out? And more importantly, should he be going out?

PS as a side note I tried that drink they seem to have floating around the house from time to time – Truly. It’s actually disarmingly good. I could definitely see how it would be refreshing on a hot summer day – or in the middle of a prolonged winter like the one I am currently experiencing. Whatever. Seems like a good drink to cure a lingering hangover as well and get yourself right back on the horse. Just sayin’

HOT TAKE: Summer House recap, Mr. & Mrs. Send It

What’s the best way to kick off a brand new episode of Bravo’s Summer House? Start with Capitan Send It himself, Mr. Kyle Cooke. Last week’s episode ended right in the middle of another Kyle binge session. To make up for throwing a fit at Kyle’s birthday Lindsay coordinated a private chef and bartender to help celebrate her own birthday. She even organized a slick party bus to take them from the City to Montauk. It seemed like Lindsay’s efforts to make amends were working until Kyle got ahold of lady liquor and things began to slide. At some point during their road trip Amanda switches from having fun to being slightly annoyed with Kyle’s antics. Look, I get it Amanda. Kyle pushes it. He pushes it a little too far sometimes but it’s not coming from a place of malice. Kyle simply does not consider the effects of alcohol after imbibing too much. If she doesn’t know by now that Kyle will likely never “grow-up” into the man she wants then it might be time to start looking for the exit because I am thinking Kyle is going to keep being this way for the foreseeable future – at least during the summer, every summer.

So Kyle is in the middle of tying one on during Lindsay’s bday dinner when he remembers that he has a bouquet of flowers from Lindsay’s ex, Everett, which he promised he would deliver. Sober Kyle knows this idea is absolutely terrible. 2 bottles of rose, several shots of tequila and rum, and multiple cocktails deep Kyle thinks he’s being a good friend to Everett by delivering the flowers. He’s not. This stunt rather predictably blows up in his face. By delivering the flowers Kyle not only manages to enrage Lindsay and dig up old shit, but he also manages to super annoy Amanda who has just about had enough of Kyle’s shit for one evening. Amanda reaches peak-annoyance when Kyle starts dancing with a pineapple because booze. Amanda seems legitimately pissed at Kyle but he’s too drunk to notice and/or care. She storms off and Kyle continues to drink. Oh boy. When Kyle finally does decide to call it a night, put the bottle down and make amends with Amanda he ends up passing out mid-sentence, drunk as a skunk. “My name is Kyle and I’d really like to show you my…” and with that he passes out. BRA-FUCKING-VO SENOR COOKE!

passed out
Good night, sweet prince

The next morning Kyle tries to excuse his behavior but has difficulty doing so in front of Amanda – mostly because he doesn’t remember what he is apologizing for. Amanda gives him the play by play telling him that he was embarrassing last night. How does Kyle explain this away? Everyone was embarrassing last night babe, why are you singling me out like some kind of monster? It’s a good line. I should know. I use it all the time with my girlfriend. Why is it such a good line? Because instead of taking responsibility for being an idiot and starting to repair the damage you take the nuclear option. Want to piss off your significant other in a hurry? Blame your behavior on someone else. You know who is trying to take responsibility for their behavior and turn things around? Carl. Yep, it turns out the dude who was flirting with alcoholism (serious alcoholism, not the funny gets too drunk sometimes alcoholism) is actually cooling it down. Imagine, a thing like that.

Before we can even catch our collective breaths from last night’s antics our weekend is coming to an end and it’s time to get back to the City.  On the way back the gang all stops for a quick rosè brunch. Kyle, being Kyle, thinks it okay to order a gin cocktail in addition to the rosè and earns himself a “pace yourself” and a glare from Amanda. Kyle’s “Respect the Send” shirt doesn’t seem to be convincing Amanda. Shit. Fortunately brunch goes well and a few minutes later we are back in the city. That evening we shift to Stephen who is going on a date (ANOTHER DATE!!! WITH THE SAME PERSON!!!!) with Travis – the guy we met on last week’s episode. Stephen, back from his trip to Alabama, is actually seeing a guy more than once and might be interested in him long-term! They grow up so fast, don’t they? Their date takes place at this seedy looking bar called the Attic. This place looked so shitty that I just had to look it up to get the details on the joint and I think my initial take is correct – it’s a shithole. There are very few rooftop bars in Manhattan that are worth going to and the Attic seems like it fits the mold. The drinks are overpriced because of course they are (the view usually makes up for this but I’m reading reviews that say the views blow), they make you pay a mandatory coat and bag check fee, and apparently the management team there is horrible. Suspicion confirmed, don’t go to the Attic in Hell’s Kitchen. Shitty venue aside it seems like the date goes well and Stephen gets an invite to party with Travis next weekend. Let’s hope Stephen regularly getting some puts the dude in a better mood instead of being a constant rain cloud around everyone.

Everyone slogs through their work week and suddenly we are magically at the weekend and back in Montauk. Man I wish real life worked like that. Just hit fast forward because nothing noteworthy happened and hit play around 3:00PM Friday. Remind me to get independently wealthy soon, sigh. So we’re back at the house and it seems like Kyle and Amanda have patched things up – they are ready to be “Mr. and Mrs. Send it” once more. Half the group is going out to dinner while Lindsay, Amit and Lauren stay in to order sushi. That seems weird but I get that after spending all summer with someone you might to give yourself a breather. As you’ll recall Lindsay has rebuffed Everett (supposedly for the final time but…) and is ready for the summer of single Lindsay once more. To this end she casually throws out the idea of having a 3-way with Amit and Lauren and I am not entirely sure it is a joke. Upstairs Stephen has a bottle of fireball that he is carrying around with him – casually taking pulls from in between cans of twisted tea and texting Travis maybe? This won’t end well.

Stephen the entire episode

The next day there’s another party at the house – go figure. They actually haven’t really spent too much time at the chateau this summer which seems crazy to me given the size and scale of their temporary dwelling, but then again I assume Bravo is paying for it all so the house might be taken for granted – just a bit. With the frozè and marg machines spinning the house quickly fills up. Carl has brought a potential love interest to the house – another Lindsay! She seems nice enough, but a bit ditzy. Without much prodding both Danielle and Lauren go into attack mode re: new Lindsay. I’m thinking this is just ex-gf jealousy that fuels their cruel intentions-esque treating of new-Lindsay but what do I know? Maybe she is just an awful person who shows up and is terrible…maybe?

While Carl is trying his best to be on good behavior Lindsay and Lauren, comfortable with imposing a double standard within the house regarding houseguests, have managed to invite an entire polo team to come play. Yep – an entire fucking polo team. From Argentina. That’s cool though because Lindsay is still pretty thirsty for some action. When her potential fling Marcos arrives she gives him the always-classic let me give you the tour line. For those of you that are unfamiliar with this coded language let me dial up the translation for you:

Let me give you the tour = I am going to say something to peel you away from the group and point out the kitchen before taking you to my room where we can bang.

Lindsay recapping her decisions so far this summer

Annnnndd that’s exactly what Lindsay does. Shocker. Good for her though – if mama needs action to keep her from blowing up again then she should take care of bidness. As Lindsay is offering up a VIP tour to Marcos we see flashes of Kyle doing what Kyle does best – drinking so so much. I even wrote a little note that says “My god Kyle drinks so much”. Kyle’s path eventually leads him to his inevitable destination of pissing off Amanda. “You’re sending it, Kyle!” She protests to deaf ears. For the second weekend in a row Amanda and Kyle get into an argument about Kyle’s drinking when Kyle is completely shit-faced. Instead of arguing like a non-drunk-toddler-man Kyle simply tells Amanda that summer is supposed to be fun and Amanda is not being fun. “Amanda, not fun!” I’m the first one to giggle about Kyle sending it but it does seem to be wearing a bit thin for Amanda. On one hand she knows exactly who she is dating but on the other you would think that after a while Kyle might not get so drunk at every opportunity he gets. He’s like a light switch – he really on has an on and an off setting when it comes to sending it.

At the conclusion of the episode we see that Stephen is still upstairs, still drinking fireball. He’s been texting Travis non-stop to see when he should swing by Travis’ party but Travis is being squirrely. Stephen seems pretty hammered-up himself and so instead of thinking about the situation rationally Stephen determines that Travis is not interested in him and is a fuckboi. This is probably a result of drinking too much fireball. Actually this is definitely the result of drinking too much fireball. DON’T DRINK FIREBALL. Stephen is a mess when Lauren comes in to see where he is and finds him pacing back and forth between the bathroom and the bed – crying. She tells Stephen he’s overreacting. Spoiler – he is overreacting because fireball. DON’T DRINK FUCKING FIREBALL PEOPLE – THIS IS WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS! She tells Stephen they’re getting him cleaned up and then they’re going to Travis’ party. This is not going to be good. Unfortunately that is where the episode ends. Tonight we get to see where things end up.

Will Stephen and Travis connect? Can Kyle curb his boorish behavior for one weekend? Is it actually over between Lindsay and Everett? God I have so many questions! I don’t know what I am going to do with myself when this show wraps for the season. Sure, I like Below Deck and Southern Charm just fine, but Summer House has rapidly become my go-to show.

HOT TAKE: Summer House, Protesting Growing Up

Last Monday we started Kyle’s big 35 celebraish – a revolutionary themed party where the summer house crew (mostly Kyle) is protesting growing up. It wasn’t so much Lauren, Stephen, Amanda, Lindsay or even Carl so much as it was Kyle who is doing the protesting. Kyle, who I actually thought was in his late 20’s, and who I adore, came up with the best theme I have seen for a birthday party in years. Frilly shirts, powdered wigs, even a 40 lb. bag of tea. What’s not to love here?! I was practically transported back to the time of the tyrant King George thanks to Kyle’s childish wonder.

The episode opens right where we left off. Lindsay is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her on-again off-again beaux, Everett. If you watched last season of Summer House, you know how bad this is going to get. We’ve been given a preview of how volatile their relationship is but nothing prepares us for their meet up this episode. It’s like Mountain Dew Fire and Ice meeting up. We see Everett emerge from the forest ala Westworld-style and instantly Lindsay doesn’t know what to do. She’s a ball of nerves. Most of her wants to approach Everett but another part of her shrinks away for a minute. Buckle up team. Here fucking we go. Everett, who came to the party because he is best friends with the birthday boy Kyle, demands a “can of America” – Budweiser – and rejoins his old crew as though Lindsay didn’t exist. Dude can’t even get a few sips down before Lindsay approaches him and asks to speak to him away from everyone else. Which way is this going to go? No one is too hammered at this point, so they can probably have a decent conversation about where things stand and sort out their issues and be a loving couple again right? WRONG.

They find a secluded spot in the forest behind the house and do we what most estranged couples with underlying issues do – they bone. Lindsay asks Everett point-blank “Can you fuck me? Just a little – just the tip?” Now look, Lindsay has had a hard summer. She tried to hook up with the personal trainer guy, but she came on way too hard, got too drunk and scared him away. I’m all for being transparent about your intentions but when it comes off as desperate you may want to rethink your tactics. Luckily Everett is the type of guy who doesn’t mind desperate – he might even prefer it. He gladly takes Lindsay into the wood and shags her with his best minuteman impression.

While those two sort out their issues via forest sex we get back to party and holy shit is everyone drunk at this point. I’ve never wanted to be at a party more in my life! The rose is flowing, empty twisted teas are littered everywhere, and people are playing slap the bag with something called Beatbox? It’s basically 4Loko in a bag delivered like in a Franzia-like vehicle. I don’t know what this says about me, but I want to be there. I want that Beatbox. I have to drive to fucking jersey to even try this drink but believe me when I say I am driving to jersey to get me some Beatbox. Things escalate even further when out of nowhere Kyle suddenly has a 40lb. bag of tea. Oh god he’s going to throw that tea into the pool, isn’t he? Please don’t throw that in the pool – your pool is going to be so very fucked. Yep, he’s going to throw it in the pool. It’s a forgone conclusion and I don’t know why I thought this would end differently. Drunk Kyle is pretty easy to telegraph. In the tea goes and Carl laments that their security deposit is now gone. Shrug.

Random house guests start to leave as we retreat to our core summer house crew + Everett. Post-coitus Lindsay should be all smiles but she ain’t. Everett is hanging out with the boys and wants to keep smashing beers and Lindsay just won’t have it. She wants Everett to pay attention to her, treat her like she’s the only person in the room, and “bow down to her fucking feet”. Everett is not that guy. In a fight that seems all too familiar Everett wants to hang out with the boys. Lindsay explodes. Everett is now the worst again and she wants him gone. As this argument comes to a head the genius editors at Bravo sneak in a shot of Kyle alone on his own journey upstairs carrying a bottle of twisted tea and just drops it, shattering the bottle. He giggles. Pan back to Lindsay and Everett fighting. Was that a metaphor for their relationship? Is it no more lasting than a half-empty, warm bottle of twisted tea in drunk Kyle’s hands? Carl slides in between Lindsay and Everett and breaks the whole thing up. This is what happens when you dump that much alcohol on people in their 30’s. There’s too much drama between the parties involved for things to end well. All it takes is one event to throw the entire party out of sync. In your 20’s when something like that happens you can laugh it off, drink a few more drinks, forget it happened and kick the party into overdrive. Not so in your 30’s. People like to talk shit in their 30’s. How do I know my life is not a complete mess? I judge you for yours. The shameovers hurt more than the hangovers.

Night falls upon our quiet little country home in Montauk. In a now recurring weekly occurrence we see Amanda struggling to put a hammered Kyle to bed. Just last week she told Kyle it would be the last time she helped him take his shoes off – but here she is again in a familiar place, helping Kyle to bed and making sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit. Amanda is struggling to tuck Kyle into bed as Kyle, still drunk with visions of his own personal tea party, proclaims, “I had a much fun.”  We all had a much fun, Kyle. You’re a goddamn hero in my book. Sweet dreams my sweet prince.

As the sun rises it comes as no surprise that everyone is not feeling super good. If you party that hard it comes with a price. The cameras pan over the aftermath of the party – left out food, twisted tea and rose bottles, and the pool…the pool that is now one giant cup of earl gray tea. If I woke up from a party and faced a murder scene like that I’d seriously consider just offing myself. It would compound my hangover in ways that would make it physically impossible to look myself in the mirror – the shame of it all. Even though Kyle was stupid enough to toss a $1000 bag of tea into the pool he at least had enough common sense to call some pool technicians over to help clean up the whole mess. I don’t even know how you begin to clean something like this up with a without a General Sherman inspired scorched earth policy. Drain it, bleach it, pump the filters – just build a new goddman pool. This one is bad. Oh, this all happens on a Monday too, might I add. Each one of the cast members complains about all the things they have to do that afternoon – but here they are on Monday morning cleaning a superfund site with a 3-hour drive ahead of them. Don’t lie to me gang, we’re friends now. None of you have anything to do except retreat into a pillow fort, pop some xany bars, and sleep this all off before doing it again Monday night.

Mid-week our boy Stephen flies home to Alabama at the request of his conservative family. Stephen has been in Manhattan for the last 8 years so he’s basically a stranger back in the village of Prattville, AL. On the subject of time, Stephen is the oldest 27-year-old I have ever seen. If it wasn’t for his parents corroborating the story of dropping him off in the City at 19 then I wouldn’t believe he’s actually 27. Anyway, he’s been dreading the trip because while his parents know he is gay, they do not approve of him being gay. They view it is a choice per their religious beliefs. Part of the reason Stephen agreed to come home was to try and get his parents to accept his lifestyle, but I fear that he will leave Alabama the same as when he arrived. People with religious convictions against homosexuality are rarely able to accept homosexuality for what it is. It’s never a choice and I legitimately feel for Stephen. Despite the overall pleasantness of Stephen’s family, you can tell the experience is soul-sucking for him. The segment actually gave me a lot of anxiety regarding my trips home to Phoenix, AZ. I always feel like a fish out of water there and I’m not even gay.

Thankfully Bravo doesn’t make us “feel” too much before we shift back to NYC and another party. Turns out Lindsay’s shameover has lasted the entire week and in order to make up for her boorish behavior she has rented what has to be the nicest party bus I have ever seen to ferry the summer house gang back up to Montauk for the weekend. Cue my jealous. Lindsay, you were a real diva at Kyle’s birthday revolution but if you come to me with an apology like this – it’s all gravy. I am a big man and can look past your faults when given a party bus and bottomless rose. Carl, Kyle and Amit (LA summer transplant replacement roommate for Everett) crack open some cold beer-gar-itas (Budweiser branded flavored malt liquor, my current favorite is Peach) and we’re off! Things devolve rather quickly in the party wagon with the amount of wine and liquor they brought and suddenly my main man Kyle needs to use the facilities – but there are no facilities! Thankfully Kyle is an entrepreneur so is therefore resourceful and Apollo 13s an empty wine bottle into both a depository for urine and a timely joke – what wants Pinot Grigio! Have I mentioned how much I love Kyle? I love Kyle.

Upon arriving at the house Lindsay has another surprise waiting. She’s hired a private chef and bartender to handle the dinner and drink service for the evening – those poor bastards. Everyone is already 3-sheets to the wind by the time dinner is served and things just slide further downhill. Before getting into the van back in the city Kyle lets the audience know in a Shakespearean aside that Everett has arranged for flowers to be delivered to Lindsay, via Kyle, for her birthday with a special message. This seems like an all-around bad idea but drunk Kyle doesn’t know a good idea from a bad idea – he’s lost at sea allowing his decisions to be dictated by warm tropical currents. It should be noted that Kyle is also sporting a very symbolic Hunter S. Thompson look rocking a patterned shirt, yellow sunglasses and a cabana hat. Kyle excuses himself from their Cuban feast and retrieves the flowers/note from Everett. On his way back to the dinner table, flowers in hand, he drunkenly mumbles to himself about how good a job he is doing – only to fall flat on his face, full sail. This is Kyle is all his gloriousness. Amanda, looking at her crumpled boyfriend in anger/disbelief, is beginning to doubt that this man is capable of being a father – he exhibits horrible judgement and prioritizes fun above everything else. Personally, I don’t see the problem.

After Lindsay explodes over the flowers the only solution to smooth things over is more drink. Naturally. Kyle and Carl lift a glass to cheers and Kyle finishes the episode with a memorable line, “How are we are ever going to grow up?”

And scene.