FASHION FRIDAYS: Jersey Shore

So last night was a bit of red herring concerning the Jersey Shore – we did get some new footage of MVP + Deena but MTV still hasn’t shared much of the upcoming Miami trip. That’s okay. I understand these things take time. So what to do on Thursdays while we wait for the new Jersey Shore: Family Reunion? CLIPSHOWS! Yep. The old MTV standby. MTV aired the first of what I can only guess will be a series of clipshows centered on different themes highlighting our favorite Jersey Shore memories. Clipshows usually serve two functions:

  1. They cheaply provide material in the absence of new material
  2. They build hype for an upcoming event

Last night’s theme was the 15 hottest hookups on the Jersey Shore. Woof. I had forgotten how horrible most of these encounters had been; particularly the hookups between Pauly D and Jwow/Vinny and Snooki. And while a proper recap might rehash these fleeting encounters I am going to go a different direction. Let’s talk a little bit about the elephant in the room…MY GOD THE CLOTHES! Now I did not consider the Jersey Shore cast to be especially well clothed when the show originally aired in 2009 but oh man! Their duds did not age well at all. Fashion is dangerous. That’s often the risk when you dress on-trend. At the time you don’t notice why your Jennifer Aniston hair might not look too good 5 years out – you’re too busy living your best life as the impossible cute girl next door. But look back at that hairstyle in a few years and you realize just how big of a tool you were. Trust me, I know. I’ve regrettably been dressing on-trend for decades. I hate old photos of myself for this very reason. No fear? Check – I had zero fears. Abercrombie and Fitch? Check, check – I was just a casual beach boy who occasionally played LAX and rowed crew? Bleached tips? COUNT IT! Bowl cut? Guilty. I wear tend-proof neutrals and flannel now. I DARE YOU TO DATE MY STYLE! Flannels are timeless, right…RIGHT?

In order to feel better about myself let’s do what the internet was invented for: Breaking down others from the safety of your keyboard! It’s time for Fashion Fridays y’all!

First up we have Vinny

Vinny
Vinny circa 2009. He probably hates himself for dressing like this.

Oooof. Before we go for the jugular it’s only fair to mention that Vinny has addressed his sartorial faux-pauses and now dresses like a normal C-List celebrity. That being said, this look is fairly representative of the Vinny we knew back in 2009. The shiny patterned tall-tee shirt (Afflicition?) with the XXXL chain + cross is vintage 2009 for the Jersey Shore. It would be a mistake to say Vinny was the only one rocking it – we’ll get to more examples shortly. Vinny always looked like he was wearing someone else’s skin when he played Jersey Shore dress up – I’d wager this was probably never his personal style – it’s a manufactured look. Now this look is missing 2 prominent features of going out at night Vinny; crazy-angled flat bill cap and sunglasses. Somehow Vinny got it in his head that it was actually very cool to wear sunglasses in the clurb at night – but my question is how the fuck do you see anything with those bad boys on? Was it more to not see your own reflection? Does it make everyone look better at 2AM? YOU LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN MORON WITH THOSE ON! TAKE THEM OFF BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF. Sunglasses are for driving automobiles home from work in the afternoon.

Pauly D

paulyd_300
Yea buddy, I dress like a goon.

Wow. Now we’re getting to the good stuff. Let’s start with the obvious: The hair: It’s hurricane proof. The amount of product that dude applies to his hair has to cost him (or MTV) a literal fortune. And guess what…aside from his tan it is his most recognizable feature so he still rocks the exact same hair today! Poor guy. You know that one day all his follicles are just going to sigh en masse and fall out in unison. As for clothing – he doesn’t deviate from the pattern Vinny follows. It’s all bright colors, gold and silver accents, wild patterns, etc. He may be more Ed Hearty than Affliction, but that’s only a guess. So what separates him from the pack? His tattoos. It’s like he walked into the first Seaside Heights tattoo parlor he could find and asked for one of everything. Seriously have you seen his tattoos up close? These are the type of tattoos tattoo artists can rely on to keep the lights on in their shop – they come straight from the book. No need to draw an outline for this nautical star, dude can do it from memory. And unlike clothing, Pauly will have a hard time getting rid of those eyesores. At least he’s funny.

Ronnie

Ronnie
Who needs a shirt when you have muscles?

Ronnie doesn’t wear clothes. Skin never goes out of style. Just ask JWow.

Jwow
One of her more reserved looks

See description for Ronnie

Deena (Meatball 2)

Deena
Pretty sure she borrowed the boots from Snooks

Deena is your basic, basic girl. She’s also a copy of a copy of Snooki. As you can see from the photo above, she loved boots with the fur. Overall she was one of the lesser fashion-offenders on the Shore. More than anything I think her clothes just weren’t up to the task of staying on and in the right places when she danced – wardrobe malfunction city. She gave many a peep at her “golden ticket” unintentionally and never really seemed to mind. One of Deena’s best features is her ability to laugh things off which is a good thing because after revisiting how she dressed I’m positive everyone is probably having a laugh at her expense. Deena, now married, seems to have cleaned things up and dresses appropriately for her age, but I think we might see the old Deena “peek” out during the reunion.

Mike “the Situation”

Situation
Rare siting where the Situation dressed his age

Everyone has that older friend that still hangs out and talks shop. You know the guy I am talking about. The guy who is too excited about happy hour and starts talking about how gone-zo he was over the weekend. He dresses down for his age and tries to fit in but no matter how hard he pretends to not be 38, he is still 38. The Situation is the guy forever running from actually being himself – so much so that he created an alter ego, “the Situation” that is younger and more successful than his actual self, Michael. Today Michael is wanted for Tax evasion and facing possible jail time. But the Situation is having fun in Miami without a care in the world because he just finished undergrad and is excited to move back in with his parents while he gets his club promotion/bottle service business up and running. He mimics his younger peers, be it shirts, no shirts, tattoos and swagger. Dude is still 38.

Sammi “Sweetheart”

Sammi
“I fell in love with the girl at the rock show…”

Honestly – there aren’t really any fashion no-nos with her. She dressed pretty typical for the time. During the day she looked like she was about to go to a punk/pop show. At night, she got dressed like she was going dancing with the girls. But she never really danced. She fought. With Ronnie. ALL THE TIME. So she cried a bunch and her make up ran a bunch. Mascara has come a long way since 2009. The waterproof tech that can be found in today’s mascara will undoubtedly come in handy when we inevitably revisit the Ronnie + Sammi relationship in Miami.

Snooki (Meatball 1)

NICOLE POLIZZI AND JWOWW OUT IN FLORENCE
A good outfit is all accessories

I mean just look at that. THAT IS FASHION. This is the best “I don’t give a fuck what you think” look I have ever seen. Snooki wears what she likes and she likes what she wears. Does it have to look good? Nah. Does it have to make sense? Nope. She is the person that does all her shopping in those tourist stands inside the airport. She’s the reason luggage stores sell clothing. This is runway editorial high fashion at its finest. It’s bold. It’s experimental. It’s timeless. Its 100% Snooki. Why? You can’t really date this look because this look shouldn’t even exist – it’s brilliant. I sincerely hope that for the reunion she returns to this look. She’s a mom 2-times over now and dresses a bit more conservatively so her time away from the kids could give us a chance to revisit this statement – her magnum opus.