On last week’s episode everything seemed to be falling apart. Kyle and Amanda were fighting again, Stephen was upstairs drinking away his feelings, and Danielle told a dude to shoo after he tried to get into a drinking contest with her (Really? I knew a dude in college whose go-to move was to insult a girl he liked. Aggressively. It never worked. Shocker!) And it turns out that Lindsay did not get laid even though I said she got laid because Bravo made me think that she got laid. Dammit. As you can tell there are a few threads that we need to wrap up before we get to next week’s season finale (I’m actually legit sad this show is ending for the season – it feels like it just came on – boo). Let’s dig in.
Lauren and Lindsay are forcing Stephen to go to Travis’ party so they get him all cleaned up and out the door. They somehow make it look like he has not been drinking and crying for hours and I wonder how they worked this magic. He was an absolute disaster just minutes ago but now he doesn’t have the tell-tale signs of drinking all day. Did Bravo give him an IV off-screen? Is this actually the magic of editing that is tricking me into thinking two different nights are actually one night? HOW DID YOU DO THIS BRAVO? I too need to know how to make myself look like I have not been drinking when I have been drinking. HELP! The party must not have been too crazy or interesting since Bravo relied on self-footage from the peeps that went to the party – sorry Stephen. Bravo only gives you airtime when you are either sad or stirring the pot. Guess we know what to expect from Stephen for the rest of the episode. Nice meeting you, Travis.
Elsewhere in the house Amanda is super upset that Kyle basically told her that he doesn’t want to marry her because she is not fun. Okay, that makes sense given Kyle’s constant need for fun but he may want to sleep on this a bit. The house empties out but Amanda understandably stays behind – she’s in no mood to go out and drink more. Thankfully Kyle makes the right call and hangs back to talk to Amanda and try and fix things. This won’t be easy considering Kyle is stone-face drunk. He catches Amanda in the hot tub, trying to release some stress, and is able to form somewhat coherent sentences describing exactly what is taking place at that moment. “We are dating…” Smdh. Amanda tells Kyle that she doesn’t want to waste her time with someone who doesn’t want to marry her. Whoa! This is one of those key turning points in a relationship. You are going to be serious and pursue something long term (marriage, babies, mortgage, etc.) or you’re going to call it off and go your separate ways. Drunk Kyle, much like sober Kyle, wants to be with Amanda so I am hoping they can work this out in time.
During the night it seems like everyone has a hookup! How fun! The camera does one of those security cam 4-shots in one shot and we all become voyeurs to all the nocturnal activity with that weird green nature documentary filter that amplifies low-light. Cool! But let’s be honest, we don’t really care about any of these couples so the camera highlights a room and we dutifully focus there. Which room are we privileged with an all access pass to? Carl and Lindsay (Not house Lindsay, this is new Lindsay that Carl met at a polo match earlier in the summer). And just what are these two lovebirds up to? Turns out not much because Carl ate some bad mussels and is now puking every half hour. Oh shit. That would just about be the worst situation I can envision. I’m sitting there trying to get my schwerve on with some rando and then I up and get food poisoning from bad seafood? Damn, Carl, damn. Lauren has to have a Carl voodoo doll or something.
In the morning, the sun long risen, our characters begin to drag their collective hungover asses out of bed. Everyone seems to be in okay spirits save Kyle and Amanda – their emotional hangover from last night’s fight appears to be trumping their physical ailments for now. The car ride home from Montauk is a long and quiet one. It seems like both Kyle and Amanda have a lot to discuss. Back in the City the two meet up at Kyle’s apartment and start to figure out next steps. Amanda levels with Kyle that she doesn’t feel like Kyle cares about her when he drinks. Oooof. I’ve had this conversation before. Basically you just need to sit there and take it. Acknowledge the points being made and start to understand how you can avoid coming off like a complete asshat when you drink. It’s not easy. To Kyle’s credit he tells her he’s sorry and that it’s not his intention to upset Amanda. Then he follows it up by saying he is just a party guy and Amanda needs to accept that. Double oooof. I’m genuinely shocked when Amanda says she knows that and is cool with that. Huh? She doesn’t mind him getting all silly off the giggle water but he just needs to pace himself better and be able to complete sentences at the end of the night. Is that really asking too much, Kyle?
While Kyle and Amanda patch things up Carl is attempting to do the same with Lindsay – he’s invited her to lunch and margs to apologize for being sick. He’s actually trying to date this chick – is this the same Carl we saw last season? Has his family situation really forced Carl to take a good long look at the path he was headed down and course correct before he turns into his father? Who knows, but Carl being the good guy for once is a nice change of pace. Food poisoning aside Lindsay is still felling Carl and they make plans to hang out again. Could Carl be wifed up by next summer or is he just getting a head start on cuffing season? I actually don’t know at this point.
While we are discussing Lindsay’s we need to talk about regular Lindsay – you know the Lindsay who is looking for love in Montauk in all the wrong places. She asks Everett (NOO!! Stop talking to him please. This whole thing between you two is a trash fire!) to meet her for coffee so they can chat. Has Everett’s flowers and love letters had some latent effect on Lindsay that made her realize she can’t go on without Everett? Not exactly. After Everett arrives she tells him that he needs to stop pursuing her. She’s over it. He smashed things and there’s no putting things back together again. I think this is a needed conversation that the two needed to have a long time ago. This is a conversation we needed them to have a long time ago. Please let this be the end of their relationship Bravo. At least on camera – they can do whatever they want in their actual lives but I don’t need to see any more of it, thanks.
Let’s get back to Montauk, where the action is. Carl let’s everyone know he isn’t having any guests over this weekend and I think people not named Stephen are starting to believe that Carl might be turning over a new leaf. Stephen has the real judgey eyes on and looks incredulous at Carl – honestly, what the fuck Stevie! Dude is trying to do right by everyone and you’ve been nothing but a little shit to him all summer. Stephen knows how to hold a grudge, good lord. Speaking of Stephen, as he’s throwing around daggers with his eyes he LIBERALLY pours himself a vodka. He quite literally empties a handle into a solo cup. This was like a 20-count drink. Remember the Sandra Lee 2 oz. vodka meme? Stephen’s pour is heavier than that. Stephen might want to take a look in the mirror before he goes around judging other’s behaviors – dude is looking to get fucked up fast.
The house makes dinner and they all try and sit down to have a nice and civil meal but almost immediately things go off the rails because of course they do. Where to begin? Well it turns out that the rest of the group outside of Kyle and Amanda are talking shit about Kyle and Amanda and how they keep fighting and Kyle isn’t as much fun as he used to be. Blah blah blah. Amanda overhears this and is hurt that the people she trusts can talk so much shit about her and her relationship. Kyle tries to address it at the dinner table but it quickly blows up in his face when he says his relationship with Amanda is great without the summer house gang around – ouch. They all take offense to what Kyle just said except Carl, who once again steps up as the bigger person and tries to diffuse things, only to get called out himself. Jesus people – were you like this before Bravo started filming? Kyle wins the argument with the line of the night when he says “Jack in the box – go back in the box.” Classic. Surely there was a good reason for all this commotion right? Nah. The reason everyone was walking shit about Amanda and Kyle was because Kyle is trying to slow down on his drinking and going drink for drink with Amanda – which is not fun and not true to the send-it Kyle they all know and love. And that’s your highlight for night, folks!
The next day everyone seems to be chilled out a bit because of the day’s activity – Rosè Rehab. What could possibly go wrong with a rosè-fueled party? Surprisingly things actually do go really well considering last night’s arguments. Everyone is playing together well. Amanda and Kyle are off getting rosè wasted, Carl is having fun telling horrible dentistry puns to groups of women (You can’t handle the tooth kind of terrible puns), Stephen and Lauren are gossiping about god-only knows what and Lindsay is flirting with her personal trainer Nick. WHAT A DAY! There’s no way this ends poorly, right? RIGHT? Well…I don’t know for sure but I am going to say that maybe it does? Amanda gets too drunk and needs to lie down – which she does for several hours after getting back to the house. And we all know that the rosè during the day was just party phase 1 for the summer house gang. There’s still plenty of time in the evening to get more blotto. They are all going out for the night to continue party phase 2 but there is not a shot in hell that Amanda is coming back from the dead to rally and go out with them. Kyle should be staying home with her but the party animal inside Kyle is begging for him to go out and keep drinking. This is a bad decision. How do we know this a bad decision? We know this is a bad decision because it’s the end of the episode and Bravo is playing the impending drama music. Uh oh.
Is Kyle really going out? And more importantly, should he be going out?
PS as a side note I tried that drink they seem to have floating around the house from time to time – Truly. It’s actually disarmingly good. I could definitely see how it would be refreshing on a hot summer day – or in the middle of a prolonged winter like the one I am currently experiencing. Whatever. Seems like a good drink to cure a lingering hangover as well and get yourself right back on the horse. Just sayin’