What’s the best way to kick off a brand new episode of Bravo’s Summer House? Start with Capitan Send It himself, Mr. Kyle Cooke. Last week’s episode ended right in the middle of another Kyle binge session. To make up for throwing a fit at Kyle’s birthday Lindsay coordinated a private chef and bartender to help celebrate her own birthday. She even organized a slick party bus to take them from the City to Montauk. It seemed like Lindsay’s efforts to make amends were working until Kyle got ahold of lady liquor and things began to slide. At some point during their road trip Amanda switches from having fun to being slightly annoyed with Kyle’s antics. Look, I get it Amanda. Kyle pushes it. He pushes it a little too far sometimes but it’s not coming from a place of malice. Kyle simply does not consider the effects of alcohol after imbibing too much. If she doesn’t know by now that Kyle will likely never “grow-up” into the man she wants then it might be time to start looking for the exit because I am thinking Kyle is going to keep being this way for the foreseeable future – at least during the summer, every summer.
So Kyle is in the middle of tying one on during Lindsay’s bday dinner when he remembers that he has a bouquet of flowers from Lindsay’s ex, Everett, which he promised he would deliver. Sober Kyle knows this idea is absolutely terrible. 2 bottles of rose, several shots of tequila and rum, and multiple cocktails deep Kyle thinks he’s being a good friend to Everett by delivering the flowers. He’s not. This stunt rather predictably blows up in his face. By delivering the flowers Kyle not only manages to enrage Lindsay and dig up old shit, but he also manages to super annoy Amanda who has just about had enough of Kyle’s shit for one evening. Amanda reaches peak-annoyance when Kyle starts dancing with a pineapple because booze. Amanda seems legitimately pissed at Kyle but he’s too drunk to notice and/or care. She storms off and Kyle continues to drink. Oh boy. When Kyle finally does decide to call it a night, put the bottle down and make amends with Amanda he ends up passing out mid-sentence, drunk as a skunk. “My name is Kyle and I’d really like to show you my…” and with that he passes out. BRA-FUCKING-VO SENOR COOKE!
The next morning Kyle tries to excuse his behavior but has difficulty doing so in front of Amanda – mostly because he doesn’t remember what he is apologizing for. Amanda gives him the play by play telling him that he was embarrassing last night. How does Kyle explain this away? Everyone was embarrassing last night babe, why are you singling me out like some kind of monster? It’s a good line. I should know. I use it all the time with my girlfriend. Why is it such a good line? Because instead of taking responsibility for being an idiot and starting to repair the damage you take the nuclear option. Want to piss off your significant other in a hurry? Blame your behavior on someone else. You know who is trying to take responsibility for their behavior and turn things around? Carl. Yep, it turns out the dude who was flirting with alcoholism (serious alcoholism, not the funny gets too drunk sometimes alcoholism) is actually cooling it down. Imagine, a thing like that.
Before we can even catch our collective breaths from last night’s antics our weekend is coming to an end and it’s time to get back to the City. On the way back the gang all stops for a quick rosè brunch. Kyle, being Kyle, thinks it okay to order a gin cocktail in addition to the rosè and earns himself a “pace yourself” and a glare from Amanda. Kyle’s “Respect the Send” shirt doesn’t seem to be convincing Amanda. Shit. Fortunately brunch goes well and a few minutes later we are back in the city. That evening we shift to Stephen who is going on a date (ANOTHER DATE!!! WITH THE SAME PERSON!!!!) with Travis – the guy we met on last week’s episode. Stephen, back from his trip to Alabama, is actually seeing a guy more than once and might be interested in him long-term! They grow up so fast, don’t they? Their date takes place at this seedy looking bar called the Attic. This place looked so shitty that I just had to look it up to get the details on the joint and I think my initial take is correct – it’s a shithole. There are very few rooftop bars in Manhattan that are worth going to and the Attic seems like it fits the mold. The drinks are overpriced because of course they are (the view usually makes up for this but I’m reading reviews that say the views blow), they make you pay a mandatory coat and bag check fee, and apparently the management team there is horrible. Suspicion confirmed, don’t go to the Attic in Hell’s Kitchen. Shitty venue aside it seems like the date goes well and Stephen gets an invite to party with Travis next weekend. Let’s hope Stephen regularly getting some puts the dude in a better mood instead of being a constant rain cloud around everyone.
Everyone slogs through their work week and suddenly we are magically at the weekend and back in Montauk. Man I wish real life worked like that. Just hit fast forward because nothing noteworthy happened and hit play around 3:00PM Friday. Remind me to get independently wealthy soon, sigh. So we’re back at the house and it seems like Kyle and Amanda have patched things up – they are ready to be “Mr. and Mrs. Send it” once more. Half the group is going out to dinner while Lindsay, Amit and Lauren stay in to order sushi. That seems weird but I get that after spending all summer with someone you might to give yourself a breather. As you’ll recall Lindsay has rebuffed Everett (supposedly for the final time but…) and is ready for the summer of single Lindsay once more. To this end she casually throws out the idea of having a 3-way with Amit and Lauren and I am not entirely sure it is a joke. Upstairs Stephen has a bottle of fireball that he is carrying around with him – casually taking pulls from in between cans of twisted tea and texting Travis maybe? This won’t end well.
The next day there’s another party at the house – go figure. They actually haven’t really spent too much time at the chateau this summer which seems crazy to me given the size and scale of their temporary dwelling, but then again I assume Bravo is paying for it all so the house might be taken for granted – just a bit. With the frozè and marg machines spinning the house quickly fills up. Carl has brought a potential love interest to the house – another Lindsay! She seems nice enough, but a bit ditzy. Without much prodding both Danielle and Lauren go into attack mode re: new Lindsay. I’m thinking this is just ex-gf jealousy that fuels their cruel intentions-esque treating of new-Lindsay but what do I know? Maybe she is just an awful person who shows up and is terrible…maybe?
While Carl is trying his best to be on good behavior Lindsay and Lauren, comfortable with imposing a double standard within the house regarding houseguests, have managed to invite an entire polo team to come play. Yep – an entire fucking polo team. From Argentina. That’s cool though because Lindsay is still pretty thirsty for some action. When her potential fling Marcos arrives she gives him the always-classic let me give you the tour line. For those of you that are unfamiliar with this coded language let me dial up the translation for you:
Let me give you the tour = I am going to say something to peel you away from the group and point out the kitchen before taking you to my room where we can bang.
Annnnndd that’s exactly what Lindsay does. Shocker. Good for her though – if mama needs action to keep her from blowing up again then she should take care of bidness. As Lindsay is offering up a VIP tour to Marcos we see flashes of Kyle doing what Kyle does best – drinking so so much. I even wrote a little note that says “My god Kyle drinks so much”. Kyle’s path eventually leads him to his inevitable destination of pissing off Amanda. “You’re sending it, Kyle!” She protests to deaf ears. For the second weekend in a row Amanda and Kyle get into an argument about Kyle’s drinking when Kyle is completely shit-faced. Instead of arguing like a non-drunk-toddler-man Kyle simply tells Amanda that summer is supposed to be fun and Amanda is not being fun. “Amanda, not fun!” I’m the first one to giggle about Kyle sending it but it does seem to be wearing a bit thin for Amanda. On one hand she knows exactly who she is dating but on the other you would think that after a while Kyle might not get so drunk at every opportunity he gets. He’s like a light switch – he really on has an on and an off setting when it comes to sending it.
At the conclusion of the episode we see that Stephen is still upstairs, still drinking fireball. He’s been texting Travis non-stop to see when he should swing by Travis’ party but Travis is being squirrely. Stephen seems pretty hammered-up himself and so instead of thinking about the situation rationally Stephen determines that Travis is not interested in him and is a fuckboi. This is probably a result of drinking too much fireball. Actually this is definitely the result of drinking too much fireball. DON’T DRINK FIREBALL. Stephen is a mess when Lauren comes in to see where he is and finds him pacing back and forth between the bathroom and the bed – crying. She tells Stephen he’s overreacting. Spoiler – he is overreacting because fireball. DON’T DRINK FUCKING FIREBALL PEOPLE – THIS IS WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS! She tells Stephen they’re getting him cleaned up and then they’re going to Travis’ party. This is not going to be good. Unfortunately that is where the episode ends. Tonight we get to see where things end up.
Will Stephen and Travis connect? Can Kyle curb his boorish behavior for one weekend? Is it actually over between Lindsay and Everett? God I have so many questions! I don’t know what I am going to do with myself when this show wraps for the season. Sure, I like Below Deck and Southern Charm just fine, but Summer House has rapidly become my go-to show.