Ugghhh. I’m really going to write about this show. I debated not writing about this show because this show, Winter Break: Hunter Mountain, is not good. It’s not even close to being good. Unfortunately the executives over at MTV know that if they put a bunch of strangers in a house and give them copious amounts of alcohol I will watch – and watch I did. MTV is still trying to figure out what to do with this show. Since Winter break first aired the second episode was delayed a few weeks and moved to a new night – this was the result of disappointing ratings. Like 184,000 viewers disappointing ratings. Woof. This show was supposed to be a nice little bridge between winter dead zone programming and the new Jersey Shore content but MTV has already moved it into the Friday night @ 8:00 PM death-spot. Now Winter Break is taking up valuable Ridiculousness re-run real estate! This show is clearly doomed for 1, and only 1, season – so savor the flavor while it lasts.
As a result of this multi-week spacing between episodes I remember exactly 0% of the cast so it’s like watching a new series for the first time all over again! I remember all the faces but the details are lacking – this review can also serve as a preview for my eventual dementia. When we last saw our brave brand of rowdy misfits they were finally shreddin’ hunter mountain when tragedy occurs – Jill goes down with a high pitched squeal and we were left to wonder for 3 weeks what happened!!! Well it turns out that lil’ miz Jill has somehow managed to shatter her elbow on day 2. Bummer city, brah! Now what I can‘t understand about this whole situation is how scared Jill is about a broken arm – she acts like she is going to die over this. I’m not kidding – she is legit having a panic attack. She’s never broken a bone before but with the recent news she’s acting like she is going to die like Phineas in a Separate Peace. People don’t die from broken bones any more (not really, though I guess it technically could still happen, just not likely).
Back at the shredhouse JBrew, who is 29 years old (important to not because he is insanely immature for his age), is pranking Marc because JBrew is a dick. He replaces all of Marc’s lotion with ranch dressing which is 1) disgusting & 2) so impressively juvenile. At the same time that JBrew is busy being an anus Alessandra is on the phone with her dad checking in and letting him know that she’s all good. You should know this conversation isn’t her idea. Her parents are super overprotective despite her being 25 and have a bizarre need to check in on her multiple times a day to make sure she is still alive. While on the phone with her father he neglects to tell her that since she did not answer her phone for approximately 5 minutes he has called the local authorities to come and perform a welfare check. The fuzz already showed up in the first episode but here they are again for the same reason. The cops help themselves to the unlocked door and walk right in looking for Alessandra – who they find quickly. JBrew is up in arms about the cops being there and immediately starts to attack Alessandra. What the hell is this dude hiding? Methinks Punky Brewster definitely had some unfortunate run-ins with the po-po in his life.
Jill misses the action with the cops but returns before the crew gets too deep into the booze to show off her new cast. TJ, a 20 year old army vet with some emotional repression issues consoles her and lets her know that a broken arm ain’t nothing to worry about. Why? Because TJ has broken just about every bone in his body. Seriously. He rattles off about 20 different locations that he has crushed, smashed or shattered and he doesn’t seem too broken…on the outside (foreshadowing!). After reuniting with Jill the crew gets ready to go snowtubing. Snowtubing, for the record, is awesome. It requires zero skill and is super fun. If you haven’t taken a tube for a spin in a while I recommend going. Obviously JBrewster isn’t going snowtubing because it’s for lames and the activity isn’t hard enough – JBrew is a hardo. He reminds me of how I was in middle school. I didn’t do anything fun because I was too concerned I wouldn’t look cool doing it. I definitely missed out – just like JBrew does here.
Let’s discuss our boy Marc for a second. Marc applies some of his new lotion and somehow doesn’t notice that it’s filled with ranch…WHAT? Is his sense of smell dead? Does he use so much ranch on food that he’s become nose-blind to the smell? HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW THAT HE REEKS OF RANCH DRESSING?! This is a guy who wants to be a doctor people. I’m not saying these two things are correlated, but it is cause for concern. Also Marc’s face. It has a massive hole in it. It looks like he spent the weekend as an extra on the Walking Dead and didn’t get all his makeup removed – it’s very unsettling.
Post-Snowtubing the gang returns to the house to commence binging. Just a few observations about this “party”:
- Taylar is drinking vodka and tequila together – no thanks
- Taylar has “never” done a body shot – meaning she has never served vodka out of her bellybutton. She fixes this.
- Marc is first to drink vodka from Taylar’s bellybutton, no surprise (It was established in episode 1 that Marc has a boner for Taylar)
- Marc says Taylar is playing hard to get and he doesn’t get her despite his game being “solid”. Marc – you’re game is not solid.
- DJ TJ is making moves on Jill makes it to 2nd (?) base
- Jill makes out with the TJ sober…
- JBrew continues to attack Alessandra because she doesn’t snowboard and I am beginning to think he may just be a misogynist
- The boys are hitting ping pong balls at each other as hard as they can because boys in their 20’s do this sort of thing after consuming large amounts of alcohol in an environment where they are trying to “impress” women
Who knows they do the next day – it’s glossed over and we are back to another house party in the evening. This time Marc lathers up and realizes he’s been had – he finally notices the days old rotten ranch that is in his lotion. He’s a pretty good sport about this and laughs it off as JBrew runs and hides in a closet – this is the last time we see BrewBrew smile during the episode. It actually might have been the first, too – he’s not a smiley guy. It’s at this party that we are introduced to what the smashing a ping pong ball at the opposite side of the table is called – sting pong? It’s just like it sounds. The team that scores a point gets to whip the ball at the other team. SIGH. Can’t you just drink 4lokos and slam beer bongs like my generation did? Play flip cup, dammit! The future is doomed. One nice thing about this scene is that we get to see Sheen’s really awesome tattoo that goes from the base of neck all the way down his spine. “LOOK AT ME NOW” in that drippy blood Kid Pix font. HOLY FUCK DUDE – that might actually win lamest tattoo I have ever seen. I mean all his tattoos are terrible, but this one is exceptional for its terribleness. Good job.
We end this week’s episode – and possibly the season – with two painful JBrew scenes. The first is his conversation with his girlfriend who lives in California with him. She’s telling him that living in Tahoe sucks when he’s not there and that she moved to Tahoe for him so now they should move to Hawaii because that’s where she wants to live. Wanna guess JBrew’s reaction? He don’t go where there’s no snow so he’s a no go to Hawaii – sorry babe. He then asks if she’s on her period because she is complaining and she somehow doesn’t hang up/breakup with him right there. Girl, you can do so much better than this man-child with anger issues (Yep, he’s probably a misogynist).
The very next day Alessandra has lapsed in her required hourly communication with her parents and the cops are back at the house. JBrew is now officially on the warpath – he’s John Bolton. He marches straight over to the phone and calls Alessandra’s parents. He’s sick of the cops showing up to his house (not his house) unannounced and he’s going to put a stop to it one way or another. As the credits rolls we see JBrew point-blank tell Alessandra’s parents that they need to either stop calling the cops and let their daughter be 25 or pick their daughter up and take her home. Now. Tonight we find out how Alessandra’s parents take this ultimatum from the Brewmaster. How do you think they’ll take this tough-talk from JBrew?
One more note – you know how I said TJ was busy nursing Jill back to health with some sweet talk and kisses? Turns out TJ may have a girlfriend back home. Uh oh!
PS somehow I wrote over 1500 words about this shit of a show – god that’s depressing.