We need to address the elephant in the room straight away – Farrah Abraham is no longer filming with MTV. Sigh. We will no longer have the privilege, and IT IS a goddamn privilege make no mistake, to witness the successes of Farrah – wonder woman of teen mom who made MTV what it is today. She has respectfully began a Trump-style lawsuit against Teen Mom/MTV claiming abuse and harassment. GOD SHE IS THE FUCKING WORST. I’m sure MTV would much prefer to just settle with her out of court and be done with her but honestly, I have to fault MTV here. They encouraged this monster to grow and blossom into the harpy that she is today. When you see a weed in your garden you pull it, you don’t water it. MTV, this is yours to own regardless of how awful Farrah is.
With that addressed we can dive into last night’s action. We start off with Maci because you need to start off a good story with a positive note. Maci and Taylor are seemingly the most stable of the Teen Mom relationships outside of Chelsea and Cole. Side note: I just looked up how to spell Cole because I am a miserable speller and accuracy is important and I just discovered that they (Chelsea & Cole) are having their third kiddo! They’re more like Maci and Taylor than I thought! Each with 3 kids! Let’s be fair to Maci and Taylor and refocus on them now after that brief tangent. Taylor and clan welcome Maci back from Nicaragua with one of those heartwarming airport welcome scenes – think love actually (RIP Alan Rickman – Always). Apparently their clothing line TTM Lifestyle has been growing so much that Maci and Taylor needed to open a distribution warehouse in Jacksonville, FL. Really? I mean good for them. I want their business to succeed because they both seem like decent people but how does a company that makes different colored pocket squares with a super lame-o name grow that fast? Who wears this stuff outside of Tennessee? I don’t get it. Maybe I don’t get today’s fashion but I mean really? Taylor and Bentley are going to have a boys’ trip to Jacksonville to see the new facility and give Maci some time alone with Maverick and Jade.
Every time we see the goings on with Maci we need to visit Ryan to see what he’s up to for comparison. Ryan and Mackenzie are in the kitchen talking about their future and suddenly Ryan starts asking ‘Kenz about the possibility of another kid. STOP IT. Seriously? Ryan is recently sober and needs to make up for lost time with Bentley and he’s already braying about another kid? Mackenzie has a kid of her own, too. That’s two kids he needs to be a better father to right now! I get the desire to have a kid with your partner but maybe they should think about timing? There’s no such thing as good timing but I mean…maybe there is a such a thing as better timing? You think Ryan has gray hair now, just wait. He’s gonna go full Henry Bowers post seeing IT if he has another kid. The best laid plans of mice and men…
Back in Michigan Tyler is trying to keep things together while Catelynn does another stint in therapy to deal with her anxiety and depression. In the last episode Catelynn reveals that she considered every way she could kill herself and that scared her so badly that she knew she needed additional treatment. I’m glad she can recognize when she needs help but I also sincerely feel for Tyler at this point. Dude is always left holding the bag and it seems like his feelings are rarely considered – and it might be coming to a head.
Shifting to Amber we learn that Gary gave Amber permission to take boo-boo (Leah) to Florida for winter break with her new beaux, Andrew. It’s crazy to see how responsible Gary has become over the years, right? This is the same guy that spent their last $400 on a PlayStation 2 because he felt like it. Never mind he had a small family to take care of – dude wanted to game! I can’t imagine being in that position and making that decision but it looks like Gary has figured out this whole parenting responsibility adult thing. Amber wants to introduce Andrew to her brother Shawn “Bubby” Portwood. When you write the name out like that it sounds like a worse version of Puffy. I have an important question before I continue: Does she refer to everyone by some little kid jargon b-word? If so I vote we she call Andrew Beaux-Beaux. But really I couldn’t handle that. I can barely handle that on the show. If my sister called me a pet name like that I would stop shit immediately. NO MORE! I digress, during this segment we are also treated to a Matt being a piece of shit flashback. He is the very definition of a masshole and MTV seems perfectly happy to remind us at every corner that dude was a loser. Seriously, fuck that pill-popper.
Meanwhile in the other corner of Florida we see Taylor and Bentley at the driving range. Let’s stop and acknowledge that Taylor is probably replacement father of the year – get that man a mug that says so. Honestly, he loves Bentley so much and it seems so genuine that you know Taylor sees Bentley as his own kid. I don’t watch this show to feel feels Taylor, thanks a lot. Back home in Tennessee Maci is taking Jade, their middle child, big-girl bed shopping. It’s a pretty routine kid-in-furniture store scene but one shot has me asking another important question – How are the bottom of Jade’s shoes so clean? Unless they are brand new, which is possible, how does a 2-3 year old girl have clean white soles on her shoes? I call BS production – where are the real shoes?!
Back to back to back Florida scenes reveal that Andrew is about to meet Bubby Ports. They sit down and have a nice little chat (interrogation) and Bubby does not hold back. He’s seen Amber burned in the past and also knows his little sister better than most suiters do. After a hilariously candid question about how much it must suck to move from Cali to Indiana Shawny-B gets down to brass tacks. Basically he asks what Andrew’s intentions are for his sister. He says he’s not judging Andrew but let’s be honest, he’s definitely judging Andrew. During their conversation Andrew offers up some really profound wisdom – he thinks everyone should write. Wow. I mean that right there would win me over but the jury is still out for Bubby.
Remember how we started this episode in an airport? We’re going back to the airport – but this time in scenic Michigan. Tyler and Nova are traveling to visit Catelynn at her therapy facility. FAMILY VACATION THAT IS NOT A VACATION, YESSS! There’s a brief phone call in the car where I scold Tyler for using a phone while driving without a hands-free device (MTV completely whiffs an opportunity for a PSA here. They’ll intervene with Ruthie trying to drive drunk but being a distracted driver with a child in the car is apparently cool?) and then we’re back to view Ryan and the ‘Kenz. With Farrah gone MTV needs to fill a that hole (pun intended) with new footage – enter Kenzie. Kenzie confides in her friend about the conversation she had with Ryan concerning their futures and the possibility of adding another child into the mix. This is all well and good until she says something that makes me nearly spit my frosty Coors light out – SHE THINKS RYAN IS GOING TO BE JUST THE BEST FATHER. Hold the fuck up. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING GIRL?! I know you’re married to the dude and should be his biggest fan but there is reality to deal with too. Unless you’ve somehow forgotten that Ryan is already a father to Bentley you should already know how capable of a father he is. Now I’ll give you that Ryan was addicted to painkillers (Not Xanax, MTV. I’m sure he was abusing Xanax, too, but let’s be real and confront what he was actually using. Be the educational program you set out to be) but that doesn’t excuse his recent absentee-dadism. Everyone should get a second chance but maybe time this second chance a bit better? SIGH.
Sick of Florida? Good, because we’re back with Amber and bro again. Bubby is still grilling Andrew and decides it’s time to up the ante. He point blank asks Amber if she is going to do a prenup with Andrew to protect her assets. Cue awkwardness. She meekly says she would with the other men in her life but not with Andrew – he’s different. Amber…Thankfully we cut to commercial and return to Maci who is chatting with a friend at her home in Chattanooga. Maci is gushing about how wonderful of a dad Taylor is (we already gave him a mug!) and how lucky she is. WE GET IT! Taylor, outside of his fashion label, is perfect. Right before we check in on Catelynn’s therapy I notice Maci’s tongue is Tennessee Volunteer orange. What the fuck has she been eating/drinking? The answer shortly reveals itself…
I have another important question after watching this episode: Did anyone eat raw onions as a child? Because it seems raw onion may be Nova’s favorite food. Is this a Midwesterner thing? Do they serve raw onions with stuff in Michigan? I NEED TO KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING. It happens twice – and she practically has a fit over not getting one the first time. While this is happening Catelynn’s mom is recapping some of the strategies she learned to help Catelynn deal with her depression and seems like she may not be buying the education theory behind them. Catelynn’s mom seems like she learned how to deal with life the old fashioned way – if you get out of line you get corrected via a nun’s ruler. She seems to be a proponent of tough love, and that’s fine for certain people, but for other’s maybe a softer touch is required? Perhaps maybe with Catelynn? I’m not totally sold that her mother thinks Catelynn’s therapy is worth it, but hey, she’s not paying for it so she’ll play along! As she discusses the lessons learned with Tyler it becomes apparent that Tyler may not be fully grasping the lessons either. He is thinking a bit more reactive – “When you do this then I am going to do this!” Not quite, Tyler.
Quick update on Ryan and Mackenzie – they made spaghetti for dinner and are continuing to discuss adding a child and going back to school. Ryan eats like a prisoner and thinks it’s appropriate to feed the dog a plate of leftover spaghetti. RYAN, NO!
Towards the conclusion of the episode we finally learn why Maci’s tongue has an orange hue – her beverage of choice would appear to be Henry’s Hard Soda…gross. I know Maci and Taylor used to be a Bud light family and I am all for keeping it simple with domesticos but switching over to such a sugary malt beverage is no bueno in my book. This actually might be one of the few decisions Maci has made that I disagree with – and I know this from experience. I have tried the Henry’s Hard Soda – it is not good. Ryan probably wouldn’t even give it to this dog – it’s honestly that bad. Maci, can I tempt you try Coors light? It’s at the same price point as both Bud light and Henry’s Hard Soda but it doesn’t have the sweetness that those other guys do. It basically replaces water in a balanced diet. TAP THE ROCKIES, MACI. Is Henry’s a sponsor of the show? That’s fine if that’s the case but be more transparent about it – labels need to face the audience. The case of the orange tongue has been solved and now Taylor is bugging Maci to have more kids. This dude is kid-crazy. I have a friend who couldn’t wait to be a dad and I thought it was just about the strangest thing I have seen. If you’re reading this you know who you are…
What do you guys think? Should Maci and Taylor have another kid? Is it okay to feed your dog spaghetti? Do you already miss Farrah? Let me know what your thoughts on last night’s episode are.